Its Been A While Since I made you laugh.....

Classified Ads (Actual Ads that were posted from various papers)

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  • FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER / 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.
  • FREE PUPPIES: / 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
  • FREE PUPPIES... / Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
  • FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. / Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.
  • COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. / Also 1 gay bull for sale.
  • NORDIC TRACK / $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
  • GEORGIA PEACHES / California grown - 89 cents lb.
  • JOINING NUDIST COLONY! / Must sell washer and dryer $300.
  • WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . / WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.
  
  
  AND THE BEST ONE :
  
  
  FOR SALE BY OWNER:
  
  
  Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
  Excellent condition
  $1,000 or best offer
  No longer needed, got married last month.
  Wife knows everything.
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  IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
  CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
  IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
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  Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.
  The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
  The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
  The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.
  The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women giver her this subtle "Well...?"
  She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2" hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women just say, "Oh my God...."
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  A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?' The young man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.' The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.
  His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?' The Aussie said 'One!'
  The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?' '£124,237.64p.'
  The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?' 'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.' 'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.' 'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4
  The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?' 'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... 'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing.'
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'